I would have named you Stella.

We spent the summer smoking in the sun.
We felt the surf lapping on our ankles and
the sea sparkled like it was finally the beginning I had dreamed of.
The storm had passed and I finally found the calm.
All I had fought for
I felt you come into our world.
I felt you come to life.
I felt you crash our façade
You cracked our vase.
Your life woke me from my daydream.
You were everything I had dreamed of.
You were perfection.
I loved him
You were the gift I never thought would come.
I found you and I was alone.
Always alone.
We whispered about you.
Too scared to speak because it might become real.
I cried myself to sleep.
Wrapping myself in my tears.
I was so afraid.
I wanted you gone. I prayed you weren’t real.
I sat in my car and looked at the rain hitting the window.
I didn’t know it yet but I knew you had come.
They told me it would be okay but I cried.
I knew that he would not want you.
I knew that this was not what his life had planned.
I called him and begged he would come home.
I carried you around for a week.
I felt your life pump through my veins.
You radiated through me.
I am sorry.
I am sorry that I was scared.
I am sorry that I prayed to God that you werent real.
I am sorry that I wanted you gone.
I am sorry that I cried when I found you.
I am so sorry that I hated you.
I am sorry.
I will never be the same.
The moment I lost you was the moment I woke up.
I held you. I felt you. I have never loved something so much.
I felt grief flood my soul.
I yearned to hold you but knew that I couldn’t do it alone.
A loveless world that had become home to and you deserve so much more.
I broke free because of you. I cut my chains.
I felt you inside my womb and felt love like I had never experienced.
I held you.
The moment you left was the moment I could leave.
Your death gave me my life back.
Now I am alone.
Youre gone. His gone.
I only have me.
And a void where you grew.
A part of me is missing
You left a scar on my soul.
But thank you for giving me my freedom baby girl.
You taught me love.
Now I am a mother
but to only this hole in my heart.


Thin is a four letter word

Have you ever seen a baby bird crying and calling for food?
How do I tell my fragile bird that thin is a four letter word?
Screaming for the slowest suicide not realising she has already died,
panicked kicks under the water yet she swims with grace and pride.
Skinny suffocating her thoughts pleading and begging to fade away
My little girl, please let it go I need you to keep living just one more day.

confession, Poetry, Short story

Free Fall

Empty promises pinning my soles to a place to call home, tightly entwining the fixed knots of my soul to his own. Beating me winded with the sharpened cold steel of white noise, I watch as he calmly steals the last of my light and poise. Demanding I fly as he clips, tears and hacks at my wings. Carving out my voice box while insisting that I sing. Clutching on to my throat whilst commanding that I breathe. Locking my cage and whilst screaming that I leave. He says I am an angel sent from God himself just for him, but where the fucks my saviour to protect me from his demon. Stealing my light doesn’t seem to brighten his darkness. “I fucking hate hearing your name”, he finally confesses, the words I needed cuttting through all of my imagined chains, pushing till I smash through a gripping fear of loss and pain. Released finally alone to discover that I’m no longer lonely. Cracks giving way to beauty hidden beneath darkness bud slowly. Unexplored curves finally greeted by a trembling grateful hand, Begging to wander the uncharted depths by a real man. Wrapping my throat are the hands of this new perfect stranger, uncontrolled unconditional love welcomes blissful peaceful danger. Closing my eyes in rhythm, not yet ecstasy but on the verge of. A haven to lower guards, falling to idyllic rest without a loss of love served without beating word leaving insides bloody, blue and black. I open my eyes, again there’s my demons with lies to win love back. Tears flow not because you don’t want me but I no longer want you. Unable to flea devotion engraved on my being like a tainted tattoo. Anger rages underneath words that are bitten into cold silence, knowing freedom comes with fractures caused by words of defiance. Leaping off eagle backs to plummet into dark depths of forest pines, the cuts, scratches and bruises too unpredictable for endless time. A voice spouting lies of unworthiness as I lay in a bed of tears, drowning out past lover’s pleas wrapping myself in comforting fears. ‘Repunzel let me rescue you from a tower that’s no longer your home.’

‘Im sorry. I am too deep for at least this lonely home is my own.’



This crown of thorns is a little tight,
piercing through my skin-deep chaste,
fraying into shreds of shedding light,
tearing slivers in this shroud of malaise.
Uneasiness whispering of the height,
suffocating on this self indulgent thrown.
A battle between angst and might,
atop your pedestal forsaken and forlorn.
Peering from this plinth, I look down,
naively preaching in my pious war,
engulfed by my egos pressure,
I drown.
Feebly clinging to my scruples,
I fall.
Tired of holding myself high upon my horse.
Maybe I leapt.
Crashing back on to this earth.
The moral dichotomy divorcing by force.
Finally. A peaceful, comforting rebirth.
Weakened, I fall down at your feet.
Grounded, finally put in my place.
Did I catch you in the crossfire my sweet?
Did I break you in my descent from grace?

Poetry, Short story

A long story

One time I took hallucinogenics and wrote a story.  This is my story.

Took a daytrip into your world
to visit you again,
Played around inside your mind,
so good to see you my old friend.

Walked a day alongside your shoes,
Knowing deep down it couldn’t last
wishing I could stay forever
in this adventure into my past.

As my world begins to crumble,
time falls and melts into place
now all this distance between us
turns into vivid hostile space.

I beg for you to please guard me,
I hold on to you so tight
as I feel the edge come closer
in this nightmare of a night

You’re the centre of this universe.
I’ve played this role before
I feel this fear engulf me,
knowing for certain you’ll let me fall.

Please don’t again abandon ship,
this time Ill plummet into the depth.
Please hold my world together
save me from this certain death.

confusing Demons swirl around me
as the sun slowly sets down
Panic floods my system,
in this terror of time I begin to drown

 I am positive you will desert me
as these seas begin to rage,
I gather up all my courage
forcing my fear to slowly fade.

This time you cling to my hands
pulling me safely to the shore
I remember who I am
and all the reasons that I came here for

time settles to a standstill
gradually you help me learn to stand
upon my own two feet to explore
our strange new magnificent land

 I explore your wondrous world
cautiously I can release my grip
mesmerised by the magnificence of time’s beauty
now knowing I will not slip.

Hold my hand now as my companion
come prance along this moon lit path.
No longer as my protector,
but as fellow travellers from our past.

Finally reunited we frolic
smiling and skipping along this road
the music lights our night
filling our ears with two old lovers ode

I relax into the sound,
the reverb guides my body’s dance
only pausing for a moment
to notice a tender protective glance

I watch you search the procession
hoping my face will come into view,
knowing how it is you feel
knowing no one will ever love me like you do.

A sea of hollow lifeless conversation,
devoid of sense and cheer.
Weaving amongst this party of zombies,
I now feel no sense of fear.

Demonic clowns, candy canes and dancing pictures
fill our magical joyful circus.
Euphoria surges my soul and senses
as I forget my lifelong search for my purpose.

Dawning breaks as the sun begins to rise
and now finally I can see
I’m just a visitor in the voyage,
that’s your new actuality.

I hold on so tight and pray
I could hold you back into my life
back into our deluded childhood dreams
of one day becoming your wife

the clouds slowly begin to part,
I feel the fog of clarity lift
I remember we are worlds apart
I sorrowfully feel you begin drift

This is our final day trip
in the life long journey you are taking.
Just another mythical character
in this warped reality you are making

I am no more than a guest to you,
in this play land of your mind.
Discovering all the answers
that I needed to come and find

 I will and wish in hope
that you will come back and join me.
I miss you my old friend
I wish we would grow old in my reality.

Instead I know you will wake someday,
with your mind tired and worn
Full of magical memories,
greying with your youthful body torn.

Until then I will miss you
and trust one day we will again meet
in a world somewhere between our realities
I’ll linger there for you to greet

I watch you anxiously spark your therapy
and accept I should not wait,
shattering my fragile heart
knowing behind the haze is my soul mate.

I explored your road for a night
but find myself back safely home
I watch you set off on your next venture
my beautiful boy, this time alone.


Sunset in the desert.
One time a boy broke my heart so I needed to escape people and think about how to put it back together again. I took a trip out further west than I had ever been before in my country to a place I had always wanted to see. The beauty of the desert always seems to solve any heartache because it reminds you that you are all that you need.
It got me thinking, one day heaven itself could open up and tourists would be too busy taking photos of it to truly appreciate it. Now I always try to appreciate the beauty of what I have right in front of me and feel the power of a moment rather then capturing it to show it off to others that can never really feel the magic and intensity of that instant. Be that a sunset, love or a laugh between friends.

Sunset in the desert.

Photography, Short story

Desert sun.


Am I ready for this?

I have never been able to keep a diary. I guess the idea of writing down thoughts makes them real and focused. A catalyst for action and reactions. I have always been more an aimless and sporadic type of gal. I have enjoyed the journey that my scattered withdrawn contemplation has sparked. To begin a diary of my thoughts and then put them out in the open goes against my nature. It’s too permanent. Too exposed. It takes the seeds of thoughts and states them as though facts. It provides the world with a framework of ideas that are meant to define me. Define what I am all about. When really, I’m fluid. I change daily.  Hourly sometimes.

I was such a sensitive child and was hushed or scolded for having thoughts which differed from the majority. Later in life I was involved in unhealthy relationships in which my feelings were to be unspoken if I wanted to keep the peace. Exposing my thoughts to the world generally resulted in people withdrawing their affections or love, or at least that was how I was conditioned to feel.

Am I ready to break these cycles and reveal my thoughts to myself and the world? Ready to be unapologetically frank?

I get so much pleasure and happiness from photography that I rarely share my photos with anyone. It’s the buzz of capturing a moment and the fear of that moment being lost in translation.
It may be the fear that someone viewing it out of context may have the power of the moment diminished. I guess it is this feeling which causes me to hold back from writing a blog. That the failure to string an eloquent sentence together will not do justice to the profoundness of an internalised thought. Expression is beautiful and sharing your inner workings is an amazing experience, but on the mass scale I worry that the sacredness may be lost and not done justice.


To blog or not to blog?

That is indeed the ultimate question.

Often I will be struck by the thought of, ‘I wish I had a blog to keep track of all my adventures.’ I have put it off, always concluding that it was too late to start. I guess I have always thought that I had nothing of interest to say, so I never felt compelled to be scribbling out my midnight musings and proceeding to splash them about online for the final judgement for the hipsters geeks and cyber stalkers. Do I really want to give in to this growing culture of needing our thoughts to be validated by masses of online strangers by peeling back the last layers of privacy and allowing virtual voyeurs to rifle through my innermost thoughts? Well, apparently yes, yes I do.

I have squeezed a number of ‘new lives’ into my semi nomadic years and have come to realize that even the constant people in my life have absolutely no idea of the things that I have seen and done. To be honest, I am fully aware that what could have been some amazing campfire tales have faded into nothing but a lost memory. I have put it off ever since my apparent first attempt nearly two years ago. This time I swear it is going to stick. I want to retell my tales as they come to me, I warn you now that they will be vague and not at all chronological. I will right them down as the relevance of their life lessons transpires in my life today.

Enjoy my brain baby, I warn you that it is a crazy place.


Testing out the waters..

A blog… The word itself is enough to make me groan..

I am aware that insulting it in my first post is probably not the best way to be welcomed into the vast and mighty blogging community. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I haven’t enjoyed the odd blog here and there. I have had some very interesting cyber surfing time being amused and absorbed by bloggers insights and wisdom, but usually those blogs are written by interesting people with noteworthy lives. Usually those people are my family or friends and I actually care about their thoughts. However, for the most part I have always thought that blogs were a waste of time that clog up our world wide web with self-involved narcissistic babble, just bloggers desperately seeking approval and appreciation through their screen, hoping that somewhere out in the blogosphere someone would finally recognise the importance of their musings or be delighted to see the photos of their overpriced ugly shoes that they feel it necessary to post.

Wow, I sound bitter, I am going to hazard a guess and say that you, my dear and valued reader are currently questioning why on earth you are reading this dribble that is indeed, much ado about nothing. Also it is probably about this time you are really confused as to why someone who is evidently quiet opposed to the idea of blogging is indeed, starting a blog. Well, that is a brilliant question and the suspense is over because I will now ease your curiosity. I believe it was best put by the lyrical genius that is Miss Avril Lavigne, when she said ‘in this head my thoughts run deep, sometimes I can’t even sleep.’ (Brilliant, I know.) In other, less mind-blowing words, I really have too much going on in my head that half the time I can’t seem to make sense of most of it. A friend of mine gave me some good advice, though I do reluctantly credit him with this good advice, as he already has an ego the size of Loch Ness. He suggested I start a journal to sort my thoughts; he even went as far as to send me one from the other side of the world. Which I promptly filled with my first ever to do list, followed by some Spanish vocabulary, as ‘learn Spanish’ was top of the list of things to do. Then I, in typical me style, just as swiftly lost it in the clutter that is my life.

Then, last year I went on a bit of a bender of ‘challenging myself’. Not in the normal coming of age way though. I decided the best way to get the most out of life was to A) scare the shit out of myself and B) do things I don’t like.. I am aware now how completely stupid and like a big waste of time that sounds.. So to begin this ‘life embracing’ bender I did the usual, gallivanting about the place on a solo exploration of this globe and all went well. Then I cut off my lovely long blonde hair- the idea was that a girls hair is her security blanket. So off it went. (My advice is skipping this step, not worth it. You will grieve it every day and learn nothing from the experience except how awesome it is to be able to swish lovely long hair.) I also hated sandwich spreads, so ate them and grew to appreciate delicacy that is nutella and cheesy spread. I hated animal print clothing, so I went ahead and bought a leopard print dress, this then grew into a love-hate-animal-print-relationship with some shoes and undergarments and has now developed into somewhat of full-fledged spotty and striped animal print fashion love affair.

So here I am embracing the blog. Who knows, perhaps I will find camaraderie and adoration somewhere out there in the blogosphere and no longer feel the need for social interaction with my loved ones.. Perhaps I will even post a picture of my ugly overpriced animal print shoes. Here is hoping…